The Demon Barber of Dian Cecht Cathedral
by Don'ttellmybrotherIwrotethis
Summary: Todd had a very short list of clients until Miriam came up with a new plan and some random drop items.


Todd sighed. It had been a while since Miriam came by to visit. Most demons didn't really have the sentience for a proper conversation and those that did... well, Todd decided he didn't want to talk to them. Those that seemed like they could use a haircut were located elsewhere in this accursed place or uninterested.

Miriam was a blessing. Not many people were brave enough to entrust their heads to a throat-slicing demon. She also seemed to find various hair catalogs even as she tore her way though the legions of the underworld. Todd marveled as the girl's serendipity during their chats.

It was also nice to have someone human to talk to. It was one-hundred and forty-two hairstyles down, five-hundred-twenty-four to go before he would be human again. For now he was just happy to have Miriam to speak with.

"Susie is just the sweetest old thing but honestly she seems to have a bottomless stomach for delicious food. If Lindsay wouldn't mind, I'd send you to Arantville for other customers... Say, Todd? Can you do my familiar's hair? Carabosse would love it."

Todd looked at the tiny fairy and nodded. He would have smiled but his face is permanently stuck in a single expression. "I don't see why not. It would be nice to have more people to practice on..." It took some finesse but he found a cute new hairstyle for her. In case you are wondering, it was not a pixie cut. It was a braided bun.

Todd doesn't realize how dangerous this new idea is that Miriam has come up with.

* * *

Miriam glared at the blue magicrystal. Whatever strange instinct that told her what shards did before she used them had mislead her. Miriam had expected to be a small fluffball rabbit when she activated it. She did not turn into a small fluffball. Admittedly, the shard's effect was more practical but it was difficult not to feel irrational anger towards it. She tried to think if there was any reason it shouldn't be used for funding. The idea hit her.

* * *

Todd was trying to sketch a new hairstyle at the moment and it was somewhat tricky with cursed scissors stuck to his fingers. He heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see a new type of demon walking through the door. He tensed. This was not Miriam and sometimes demons were known to devour other demons...

"I heard from this new Lili that you are, like, totally fantastic with hair?"

"Huh?"

"She, like, said to say some Miriam girl sent me. I don't really know what to do though, I mean, I haven't changed my hair in, like, five centuries. It's not like there are hairdressers on the train so I says to myself..." The Lili continued to prattle and took about an hour to settle on what she wanted.

After the haircut Todd silently reminds himself to thank Miriam.

* * *

Miriam picked up the brown, fluffy hood which had dropped on the stone walkway. She tried it on and happily platformed her way up the tower until she saw another Wolfman ahead. A ridiculous plan formed in her mind and she decided to try it. If things went south, there was always a waystone. She put on the hood and went to try chatting with a wolf. It probably wasn't going to work half as well as bunnymorphisis did.

* * *

"Grrrr-rrraugh?"

Todd jumped about a foot in the air as the wolfman walked in the door. Todd squawked, "AAAAaa! What? Huh?"

The Wolfman pointed to its impressive pile of hair that draped down his back. "Rrrrr."

Todd nodded and got out the catalogs to show. "Just, uh, point to the one you want! I'll, um, you do want a haircut, right?"

Later, the Wolfman left with a french braid.

* * *

Miriam tapped on the discarded blue armor. She tried it on. She smiled. Miriam left the room to let the enemy respawn before returning with her new armor equipped.

* * *

Todd heard clanking noises. Either Miriam had a new pair of shoes or she'd sent a new customer his way. He looked up as a hulking figure in blue metal came in the door.

"Are you here for a haircut?" Todd asked as he craned his head for a better look at the proportionately tiny head. It nodded and set its shovel down before collapsing onto the chair. The chair creaked under the weight but did not collapse. Todd made sure to reinforce it after the last wolfman squeezed out the door with a pompadour. Todd's curiosity was eating him about what could be under that helmet. He kind of didn't want to know, but at the same time he had to look.

It was while Todd was thinking about these things when the helmet was removed by the massive arms to reveal an empty neck. Todd was still staring when the now-headless armor said, "I would like to try a mullet."

* * *

"Oh, Madrid? Wow! I've never been to France!"

"...Let me guess, Miriam sent you." Todd is amazed the guy believed his lie about this being a disguise.

"How did you know?! Wow, small world. I mean, she gave me this magic blue stone and told me to picture home but I was thinking about how her decorations looked like stained glass and here I am!" Benjamin smiles sheepishly. "I'll just be going. Is this a village or..."

"NO. Outside this door are a number of demons that will try to kill you. Really. You should wait here for Miriam to get you to safety, she come here for haircuts sometimes."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. My name's Benjamin! Nice to meet you Todd!"

Todd looks at the man's hair while thinking. He should just give the guy the waystone he keeps for emergencies but...

"Tell you what, if you let me practice cutting hair, I'll give you this waystone. Do we have a deal?"

"Sure! Sounds good to me. This time I'll definitely make sure to picture home. Could you just, er, not tell Miriam? She'll kick me if she finds out about this..."

* * *

Notes: Am I the only person who was sorely disappointed Bunnymorphisis didn't turn you into a lop-eared fluffball? I was hoping for Monty-Python not a Lili. This has been written for a while, but I just couldn't think of a good pun for the title and it just wasn't as funny as the other stuff I wrote. Thair are puns out there, I know it. Also do thank whoever Lord Destroyer is: his review pointed out a common problem I have, which is a lack of clarity.


End file.
